Suffering out of blame

Looking around me, seeing every single color of heaven, but why am I blind to see colors in my life, neither in any place I go to. I have been broken due to what I have passed through; it was harsh; I couldn’t handle my self-flagellation. What proved that the blame was on me was that everyone hated being part of my life ,or even passing through its trailer. It’s not always by the crowd around you; it’s by the meaning they add to your life. I am perplexed about how I feel lonely even though there are a lot of people around me…funny, I mean nothing to them. I am lost in an ocean of memories…“aching” memories ,and no one is here to rescue drowning with my short breath.

Once upon a heartbreak, as any young kid, I fell in love with life ,but life didn’t share the same feelings with me. When you don’t get support from your own family, your home will not feel like home. How am I supposed to be confident in this huge world if I am not given the confidence I need from my small world? How can I not blame myself over other’s mistakes if I am the dilemma in everything I do? I became bare with nothing but a broken soul. I tried to search for safety and happiness in someone that will be my family, someone who will give me the support I deserve, and someone who will help me regain my strength.

Looking at yourself in the mirror ,but seeing the reflection of everything else but you. Wondering if you were alive from the very beginning. It ended up searching for safety and wasn’t the guide to the light. I could’ve searched about my own self that I lost ages ago; the one I lost when I lost trust in people and faith in life. I met people on my journey that made me regret being alive here …in this world l. I had millions of questions on my mind; I had millions of screams floating on the top of my lungs. Is everyone turning toxic ,or am I the toxic one? Are people treating me horribly or am I the one who can’t deal with them properly? Is this fair or am I the one who deserves this? Like anyone with nothing but an overthinking sick mind, I kept on asking these questions until it turned to be a trap. I had no one to guide me out…no one. When no one is there for you, the dark black side inside of you becomes the only shoulder to cry on.

The black side in me is a strong tornado that took me far away from the shore. The shore of safety and strength that was my goal throughout my journey. I knew that self confidence is the backbone that supports you through-out the harsh times. I realized that my suffering will not end, and my blindness to see colors in my own life will always be a carousel with non ending rounds.